From the Top of the Mountain

run....run....Run....Run...RUN...RUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUN! *GASP*

Do you ever feel like you've suddenly reached the edge of a cliff and your clenched toes are the only thing that are keeping you from plummeting off the edge? 

Yeah...that's the place I reached last week when a whole lot of reality *SMACKED* me right in the face.  Or shall I say...I was runningrunningrunning...thinking I was going in the right direction when I reached the edge and looked back and realized "what the HELL have I been doing?!"  Or maybe it's that I've been "throwing little things off [the edge of the cliff], like car-parts, bottles and cutlery or whatever I find lying around. It's become a habit...a way to start the day" and haven't even noticed until my toes got so cramped from keeping me on the edge.   

It's real early morning
No-one is awake
I'm back at my cliff
Still throwing things off
I listen to the sounds they make
On their way down
I follow with my eyes 'til they crash
Imagine what my body would sound like
Slamming against those rocks
When it lands
Will my eyes
Be closed or open?

Huh...what WILL my body sound like slamming against those rocks?  Do I dare jump off?  When it lands will my eyes be closed or open?  Can I possibly jump off??? 

I go through all this
Before you wake up
So I can feel happier
To be safe up here with you

Then a really wonderful amazing friend helped me find the way...find at least enough of the answer to know what I have to do.  What I MUST do.  And that if I do not do it - it will be a matter of life and death.  It seems ridiculously dramatic to put it into such terms but I'm realizing these past few days...in somber tones...that is really IS that danged serious.  It.really.is.

I have most certainly felt moments of fear...sadness/mourning...vulnerability...anger...hurt...etcetera in my life before but nothing like I'm feeling now.  And the amazing thing?  All of those other moments have prepared me for this.  Even though this hurts like hell...somehow it's a teensy bit easier because of where I've been and I'm exceedingly grateful for that.

We live on a mountain
Right at the top
There's a beautiful view
From the top of the mountain

but...

Imagine what my body would sound like
Slamming against those rocks
When it lands
Will my eyes
Be closed or open?

I'm like a bird
I'm a butterfly
I fear no one but God.



[all quotes from Bjork's Hyper-ballad]